I’m going vegan!

I’ve put much thought into it. Weighed up the pros and cons. And I finally decided to do it.

This time, I’m going to ease into it. “This time”, because I used to be vegan for about 8 months. I went cold turkey the moment I moved out of my mom’s. It wasn’t horrible or anything - I got of the track last year when that horrible incident with my best friend’s husband happened.

I researched the hell out of that topic. I KNOW the moral arguments in and out - because those were the main arguments I had for going vegan last time. Call me cold-hearted - but I don’t care about that anymore. It’ll be a great side benefit, but not the main reason.

I’m doing this because it feels right. I’m doing this for my health and my body.

So, from now on, I’m not going to by any animal products. I’ll consume the rest of the animal products already in my home and replace them with vegan alternatives. And this time, it’ll work great. Long term great!

Why?

So, let’s try this again. And just a little warning, this might be TMI for some…

I had a visitor last night. A male visitor. And the inevitable happened - we had sex. 

This would have been a good thing (considering I have been abstinent for quite some time - and grown desperate) - if it hadn’t been HIM.

To be honest - I don’t have the highest moral standards. I basically don’t care about stuff like faithfulness. I never thought twice about the other girl - and let’s face it, there was an “other girl” most of the time. And there was one last night - his “kinda sorta not-official but still girlfriend”. He explained it to me, I just didn’t bother to understand it. They’re dating, but aren’t officially a couple (again, since they used to be for almost 10 months prior to her dumping him). And, truthfully, who cares?

So we had sex. It was amazing. 

Until the moment he left and I got a text from him. “This stays between us, is that clear?”

Why, thank you!! Now I feel really special!

It’s not that I’ve expected anything - this is our “thing”. We have casual sex, that’s all. No dating, no romance, nothing. And I’m perfectly fine with it. I just HATE HATE HATE this “Don’t tell anyone”-act he’s pulling every. single. time. 

I make bad desicions around him. I realized that years ago. I can’t resist him. And on the rare occasions that I DID, I played the “What if?”-game for weeks on end.

I wish I could just cut him out of my life. But here comes the best part: He’s my son’s father. I just can’t. How on earth did I let that shit happen to me?

I’m trying to write a kind of personal, important post - and just can’t put the words down… Failing miserably on saying something that is really weighing me down…

So, I’m getting in the shower now and hope that I’ll be able to write later… Or not and just deal with it myself (ha, look at me, acting like someone actually cares about my ramblings!)…

I’m in the gym, looking for inspiration on tumblr - nine, since all the blogs currently active are the Fassbender-blogs…

No problem with that…

I knew he still wants me. Never thought I’d be stupied enough to let him have me again…

Zero will power on my part…